the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
