Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
