You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
