i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
