Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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