Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
of course. lets lasso hookers.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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