My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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