My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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