I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
