The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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