Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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