Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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