I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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