So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
