I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
