I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
These tits shall not be calmed
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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