yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
