Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
no, he came in my armpit
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
