Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
