I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
