Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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