Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
