I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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