Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
