ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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