Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize