I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
