Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
