Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize