Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
not ubering you a puppy
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
