Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize