I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
