I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm at about main and main street
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
