girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
