ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
