im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
