There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
