I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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