if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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