I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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