I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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