he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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