I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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