we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
