Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
