I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
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