if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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