were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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