It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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