I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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