i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
