sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
