Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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