i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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