Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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