I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
