Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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