i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize