remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
