just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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