saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
