You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
What a dumb baby whore.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
