Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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